My cat gives me a boner
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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