just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
