I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
