I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
