I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
