you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
