im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
