last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
