Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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