: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
