I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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