U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
