Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
