No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So vagazzling was a success
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize