Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
