Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
