Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
