If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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