Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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