I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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