then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
