I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Randomize
