ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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