HIV tests are more positive than that guy
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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