I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
