Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
