so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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