I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
