swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
