I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Found the puke drawer
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
