Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize