how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
