today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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