and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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