OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
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