mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You ate ashes out of my bong
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
