theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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