My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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