I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
