Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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