Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
