i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
