marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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