PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize