so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
