i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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