Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
