Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
