he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
