I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
