I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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