Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
