i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
