omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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