This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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