i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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