Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I enjoy the company of your penis
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