Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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