Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
