so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
