I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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