you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
